I Live !

So many notes trashed.
Words typed and then backspaced.
Stories aborted. 
Stories abandoned.
Feelings not worded.
Thoughts that did not materialize.
Songs that were loved but never saved in playlist.
Letters that were unwritten.
Letters that were written but not sent.
Gifts that weren’t bought.
Calls that were not made.
Messages that were not sent.
Places that weren’t visited.
Money that wasn’t spent.
Those bags and shoes that weren’t bought.
Diary and pens too.


I have my own share of them.
Everyone has.
Some I regret. Most I don’t.
I still live.
Trying with all my might, to protect the good.
Overlooking the bad.
Striving to not add to anymore regrets.
I do all that which makes my heart smile.


I eat.I walk.
I work.I love. 
I live.

All I Ever Wanted to be

It was a long day. Of course! it had to be. After all I only started it early. But now as I sit resting, I continue with the thoughts that had crowded me on the bus that I took back home. A brisk walk back to the past was done. Decisions of past, that had seemed all wrong that time, now seems to be falling in place. They seem to be turning right.

A dark cloud, which had loomed since long now seems to be fading away. Sun is peeping out from the clouds. Spring is blooming. Smiles come to play often on my lips. Some may say that may be I am rejoicing too soon. To them I want to say this. I really have no clue till when this bliss will stay. It may stay for long or it may fade away in a second. Yes I am very well aware of this. Knowing this momentaneous nature of happiness, if I do not live it and enjoy it now, won’t it be foolish of me? Why should I worry about a tomorrow which has not come yet and while away the joy that lies in my hands right now?”

I recently got employed. And to a great extent it is something that I love to do. It is a combination of Accounts, my favourite subject and writing, my favourite hobby. Everyday I wake up looking forward to reaching office and working. Yes people may say that it is the honeymoon phase and it is same with everybody in every job. I am aware of this fact too. I know things seem all rosy right now. May be a month or two down the line I may not have the same opinion. But my argument again is the same. Let me live this, let me enjoy this while it lasts. And probably if I make the right efforts, I may make this state of mind last long.

Living in the “now” is something life has taught me time and again. I was ignorant before. But now I realise the necessity of it. So I have decided to not waste a moment more. I will live each moment. I will thank my God for everything he has made me go through. For all the lessons life taught me, for every person who made a difference to my life. I will pride the scars that life’s battles left me with. They are my trophies. They are my prize. They will always be a reminder to me to stay humble.

Finally a much awaited phase has started. And I am happy. I don’t know what lies ahead, but whatever it will be, the good will be embraced wholeheartedly and the tough ones will be faced with all might. I have been restored my faith and confidence. And this time I am determined to not let them deter.

Chancing Paragon

Do you know how it feels, when you come across something absolutely perfect?

I know how it does. It was not planned. It was an accident. I came across this something that was absolutely perfect. And when I saw them and absorbed their perfection, I went spell bound. I was speechless, tongue tied. And then… it all happened.

Like a how a roller coaster starts, slow at first. It climbs a considerable height, the accelerating tinkling sound of its gears and wheels as it climbs the height and then the roller coaster reaches the top and stops just for 3 seconds and your breath sucks in, you stop breathing, you close your eyes, you prepare yourself for the plunge. And then it happens, your gut goes hollow, your lungs are vacuumed and then you fall – the plunge.

That is how it happened with me. It was like a blizzard. A blizzard so strong that had the power to destroy every standing inch of God’s creation but instead nothing got destroyed. Instead, it just left me with an undying, inexplicable, wordless felicity. My eyes welled up and before I knew the tears were out, streaming down as if all dams that were holding them had broken.

I wanted to hold them. I wanted to touch them with my bare hands. But then how do you touch WORDS? How? That too with your hands?

You don’t because they touch you. Somewhere deep. Deep in those trenches of your mind, your heart and your soul that you never knew existed. It is a discovery for you. And they touch you so that you are suddenly at your happiest, and you are shit scared too and you cry and you laugh and then there is this whole big typhoon of feelings inside you rising like a tumult. And on the outside it is all numb.

That was what happened. I stared blankly at those perfect words. Words that may not mean anything to anyone. But words that were perfect for me. So perfect that when I tried to write them down my hands trembled and the pen rolled off my fingers.

And I just sat there staring at those words, smiling and beaming on the inside, weeping and numb on the outside, blanked out from everything around me, just staring at those absolutely perfect most extraordinary string of most ordinary words. 



Note on the Little Brown Paper Bag…

I can’t deny the fact that I am a romantic at heart. Not a flamboyant one but the silent kinds. I will watch all romantic movies alone late into the night, cry at the emotional scenes, sigh at the breathtaking ones and just smile like a stupid smitten girl during the mushy ones. 

Its Valentine’s day today and today I did something that I used to do when i was a school girl. I wouldn’t exactly call it romantic, but i do find it sweet. As in I would if somebody would do it. Not necessarily for a lover or spouse or anything like that, but even in its most simple way. 

I wrote a note. Well it isn’t a love note, but what makes it special is I wrote it on a little brown paper bag which i had almost crumpled and trashed. 

I don’t know where I am going to stash it, but it was just a thought that led me to write on it that, wherever I stash it, years later when I discover it while sorting out my stuff, may be in a stationery pouch or between a book or anywhere, I would read it, and I would smile at it. The mere thought of the bliss I would get on discovering it in near or far future filled me with excitement. 

It would be just like finding a message in a bottle while taking a stroll on a beach side. And it is not necessary that it stays with me. Who knows may be it lands with someone else and they just get curious enough to read the hand writing on the little brown paper bag. Of course they wouldn’t find anything extraordinary or scandalous or even remotely romantic in it. But I just hope that they smile while they read it. Smile and be filled with a little happiness. 🙂

So I will stop with all this blabbering stuff and just reproduce the content of the note hereby :-

Dear Whoever reads it…

Wondering why am I writing on this brown paper bag? Well it is the same here too. I was going to trash this, but the crumpling sound of it is so cheery that I couldn’t hold myself back to write on it.

It is Valentine’s Day today. But I don’t have anyone to write a love note to. So just trying to write a cheerful enough note to whoever reads it. Yeah! Initially, I thought I would address it to “The one who is going to be” but then I thought it would be too cheesy. Also, I wouldn’t know what to write so it is better to share it with everyone. 🙂

No I am not going to write any mushy mushy message on this little brown paper. I will just tell you that it really does not matter being single. On a different occasion this note would have been written on a tissue paper of some cafe, but writing it on this brown paper feels much better.

It is not fragile, it is kind of rugged and little shiny. And it has a nice sound to it. It is not pretty to look at, but it is simple. I remember I used to use similar paper to cover my notebooks when I was in school. I used to like this better than those orange, film coated ones. 

OK It is almost going to get over so my closing message. Love n Peace.

Aditi 


Life

“You know how all those people use to say that Life is short. Well I know now that people need some personal experiences to realize it beside knowing its literal meaning.”

~ Abhishek (@gairo0)

I couldn’t find better words to introduce this poem. And what can be better other than the words of the poet himself to introduce this beautiful piece. Thank you Abhishek, for bestowing this privilege on me. For letting me put this amazing piece here. You are one amazing word wizard. I only wish the best for you in Life.


oh life… oh what a fragile sweet little thing you are,
like a toddler in a willow cradle.
so soft in the beginning than grows out into a strong stem.
concrete in the appearance but abstract,
full of possibilities and predictions.
simple looking yet complex…
individual yet entwined with a gazillion souls.
spiritual yet full of vanity and facade.
connected with the one yet bombastic.
reflection of the universe yet meaningless.
so weak that even its frailty effecting many.
oh life… what are you? are you for real? or just a muse?
oh life… who are your friends? you must be happy.
oh life… whatever you may be, you are beautiful, interesting oh life.


Dear life, 
the puzzle that you are, abysmal,
filled with unceasing amazement,
seeming frivolous, but oh so precious.
The one with the countenance of 
the bountiful Goddess, the unnerving God,
today I bow before thee, beseeching,
embrace my surrender.



To the angel and the cherub

What is the point in wearing that frown. 
Let me smile, smile, smile.
Today I cherish your place in my life, 
the two pillars of my strength,  
the two important people of my life – 
the angel and the cherub –
I dont say often, 
Never enough in words. 
The ripples you create, 
the colors you paint, 
filling my life with unbound love.
The million laughters, 
the countless hugs. 
All the spoiling, 
turning me into a kid again 
and bearing my brunt.
Just so much more 
than what you both are. 
Friends, 
Best friends, 
philosopher, 
guide, 
mentor, 
motivator, 
confidantes –
almost my parents – the second set.

Wishing the best-est bhabhi and bhai a togetherness of life and beyond, filled with smiles, contentment and ever growing love.

Bhai, thank you for being in my life and much more thanks to you for bringing Bhabhi to my life.

Love you both a lot.

Venom

Since childhood she was told that “M” was next to her mother in her life. But reality was something else. M wasn’t next to her mother. M wasn’t even in the list of people she would call even if she was in the gravest of danger. She despised her. M instigated her mother against her. M was the reason she could never be the friend to her mom that she always wanted to be. Quite early in life, rather as a kid itself, she realised what M was up to. But till date she hasn’t been able to figure out the reason why. She wanted to tell everybody about what M was doing. But she was just a kid and so no one believed her. Distanced from the one person she loved the most in the world, she lived on. She used to yearn for her mom to love the way she wanted her to, but M was there, constantly, by her mother’s side.

It has been years since then. Lot of things have changed now. The broken bridges have been built again. Her mom loves her, in exactly the same way she wants her to. They are friends now. Mother and daughter. But the bitterness of 18 years towards M still remains. M hasn’t stopped. M is still the same. probably more vicious. This bitterness bothers her. At times. It has soured her feelings towards M. She is not able to forgive M. Though for the sake of the clan she masks her bitterness and turns it into cordiality. Would she ever be able to forgive M?

On the flipside, but for the viciousness of M, she wouldn’t have realised how much she loves her mother. But then again there is this fact that if she would have stuck to what M did to her long time back, these words wouldn’t have seen the light of the day.

Is there way to forgive someone for all the bad that they have done to you, and continue to do so? Ok I agree that the actions aren’t there anymore but what about thoughts? How can you stop thinking that the person doesn’t think bad about you anymore? How to not judge their actions in the darkness of the past? How to see good in them? How to not doubt them? How to let go off the bitterness?

It isn’t easy. Not at all. There is this bitterness, that continuously throbbing gashes of hatred that keep spewing blood. How to heal them?

Letting go is easy but Forgiveness isn’t.

Longing

There is a desire

that resides in my eyes
to see you smile
with those stars in them.

There is a need
that flickers my fingers
to carve you through
words never read before.

A want to embrace
the wind that caresses
the lines of fate
in your palm
to write that destiny
with mine.

But i know you are
nothing but a mere dream,
a rainbow touching
the horizon that never meets.

An illusion of this mind
A mirage of this deserted life.
Solace of just my dreams.
Ripples on the water,
touched and yet untouched.

Dare

Let me just live this once.
This dejection,
this rejection.
Let this seep into my core
bury deep and further below. 
So that when it rears 
its head next and roars,
I look in its eyes
and just smile. 

Contagious

She tugs at me,
with her constant jests,
trying to upturn
this frown on my face.
I sit in gloom
and wonder again
of what fragments
has she been made.
She is like
the heat of the sun
that comforts
a dreary cold morn.
She is the warmth
replaced of the
coldness of my heart,
the one we all want.
I watch her keen
as she smiles at me,
her lashes fluttering by,
a mischief of a
in them mirrors
a past long gone
and I just sit
letting out a sigh.
She hops and
skips and hug me
tight, free of
all the cares,
then she dances
amidst the crowd
that stands astound
and stares.
A spirit so free,
she revels in what
she speaks of
her momentary glee.
She touches me,
my hand, my fingers
gently, cascading her
untainted bliss to me.