its a room.
a room filled with sepia light
a door from which I came in
a darkness from which I came out
there is another door
a door which will lead me out
a door leading me into light
till then i am here
in this room
my life now
the waiting room of my life
I am a basket case, a bundle of nerves. And for me need for the hour is to have someone around me who would probably give me a hug or two and speak to me reassuring words. I keep checking my phone with anticipation that whether there is any message from anyone which would lift my spirits up. Which would diminish this stress in my back and my neck and which would stop this relentless yawning that usually happens when I am tensed and stressed.
But, it doesn’t happen that way. I am perhaps being too needy and whiny. I need to understand that people have work. I need to understand that I cannot be the center of attention for everyone all the time. I need to understand that I should also concentrate on my work. There is a time for everything. I am not the only person struggling with circumstances. Why do I feel like getting drunk in the middle of the day? Why do I feel like just sleeping and sleeping and not waking up unless all the problems are over? Why my breathing is labored?
I have to understand that nothing in life comes simple. Everything you want comes at a price. And what I want this time is very costly. But I have committed to pay the price. And I have not given myself the option of turning back. No there won’t be any turning back.
So for now what I will do is I will vomit all of it out here and I will concentrate on my work. I will get busy with my work, finish the required target. I will grab a cup of coffee or tea with colleagues in some time and have a bite of that yummy corn sandwich and I will again come back and finish my work. After leaving I will go and meet my friends. It is Queen’s birthday today. I have to be happy for her. It is her day and I have to smile for her. And I have to genuinely be happy for her and not fake a smile. I will not get these moments again. I know there is handful of them left with me. So I have to deliberately make an attempt to savor each and every second and moment.
I have to believe that the future is going to be fine. Yes there will be storms to face but I am not alone. My anchor is going to be there with me. There is a family who is waiting for me with open arms and which has promised to stand by me and protect me. So I have got to be happy for them. That is the least I can do for them which is give them a person who is not as damaged as I am now.
I know I don’t usually follow your protocols. I don’t say my prayers, I don’t visit you in temples and I don’t really do anything to acknowledge the fact of your existence in my life. But I know that you know that I trust you. I know that you know that I know that you are there looking out for me. I know that you have some intention behind making me go through all this. And even though I don’t know what I am supposed to do, or what the end result is going to be, I know that you know it all. So, thank you. Thank you for being there for me.
I know you are listening because I cried yesterday. And after a really long time, I really cried yesterday and may be even you realised that I wasn’t crying in vain and so you blessed me with today. Today – a day when surprisingly after a long time I woke up calmly. When those harrowing voices inside my head are silent for a change. When I even chanced upon smiling a little bit. When my mom came up to me and said that she knows that I am not happy. So thank you God. Thank you for today.
Believe me, God, I don’t blame you for anything. I know it is somehow my Karma. I know that you would not let this go for long and when the time comes you will show me the path. You will give me all my answers. I also know that not all the answers will be to my liking. There would be tough decisions to be made and probably more stress and tensions. But, dear God, I will not blame you for any of it. (And I know that if in the heat of the moment I do, you’ll know that i don’t mean it.)
I love you, God. I wish I could hug you and tell you that I do. I wish I could hug you and cry because I know there wouldn’t be a better shoulder to do so. Because in this entire universe there is no one other than you who knows me as well as you do. I mean even I don’t know me as well as you do. So, dear God, please continue to watch out for me. And know that I am really thankful to you.
Lots of love,
PS: When did you take away all that extra weight from my body? i didn’t even realise it! 🙂