I am not happy.
And I wish to stay
in this state for a while.
I am somehow hating my smile.
Somehow hating my every
smiling pic ever taken.
I deleted all the smiling pics
that were stored in my phone.
I want to get rid of this sweetness.
Its utterly nauseating.
I feel like scratching my face off.
Just stay blank.
People will question me.
They will not like it.
They will ask me “why”.
And I’ll remain quiet.
Because for now
If I smile I would be faking it.
And I don’t want to be a fake
for other’s sake.
So let me be not happy for a while.
And here I ask the question
my favourite question of all times
“Would you want me when I am Not Myself?”
PS: Dear John Mayer, I Love You.
What a weird strange day! She was all happy when she woke up and the day went on smoothly until… Until she saw the pic.
It was a beautiful pic. A pic where a father held his new born daughter, lovingly looking at her and the mother too looked with all contentment at the two people in her life. They were beautiful together. She saw the pic and slowly a tear trickled out of her eye. A painful smile spread across her face.
Somehow she felt so less. A lot of her strength had gone into bringing herself to the point where she was. She was finally taking a shot at being happy. She was finally starting to feel that she was not worthless. But at that moment everything failed. The confidence, the courage that she had managed to built seemed to be crumbling. At that moment she wanted to jump off from some high rise building and put an end to the miserable thing that her life was.
But then she looked at the the smile of the small baby. A new life. A beautiful new life. “And you are jealous of her?” a voice called out.
“No, I am not jealous of her. How can I be? She is precious.”
“Then what is it? Aren’t you happy?”
“I am happy. I am very happy.”
“You are sad too. You cannot lie to me.”
Her eyes once again brim with tears.
“You are sad that he has really moved on? You expected him to be stuck with your thoughts still?”
“No. I just…”
“Or is it some lost hope of past? You wanted to be there right?”
“I had once…”
“It wasn’t for you, dear. Even you know that. You unnecessarily have jostled all this while with the subconscious guilt that you ruined his life. You haven’t ruined his life. Look at him. He is complete now. You paved way for his happiness.”
Tears roll out of her eyes, as she heaves a silent sigh.
“You always tell right, that not everyone is here to stay. Each has a part to play and they do that and then go away. Its the same with both of you too. You always knew you weren’t meant to be. The conviction that you have now, the vision, that strong connect. It was never there.”
“You have unnecessarily bogged yourself all this while for his unhappiness. But the truth is he is happy and the proof of it is alive, breathing and kicking. Look for yourself.”
“Don’t feel that you don’t have that what he has. You are destined for much better. You have your felicity. You have a better horizon to look forward to. A horizon that you can paint with your own colors. A horizon that will be yours and yours alone.”
“I know you are not sad. You are happy. Its bittersweet. It is ok for it to be so. But seriously, today put in the final nail into that coffin. You know that what you have gained is far far far better and more than what you have lost. So now go and live… and love.”
She slowly wipes the tears from her cheeks, pulls out her phone and takes a last look at the pic smiling at it. Then she deletes it, opens a different window and starts typing, “I Love You…”
So many notes trashed.
Words typed and then backspaced.
Feelings not worded.
Thoughts that did not materialize.
Songs that were loved but never saved in playlist.
Letters that were unwritten.
Letters that were written but not sent.
Gifts that weren’t bought.
Calls that were not made.
Messages that were not sent.
Places that weren’t visited.
Money that wasn’t spent.
Those bags and shoes that weren’t bought.
Diary and pens too.
I have my own share of them.
Some I regret. Most I don’t.
I still live.
Trying with all my might, to protect the good.
Overlooking the bad.
Striving to not add to anymore regrets.
I do all that which makes my heart smile.
I eat.I walk.
I work.I love.