Venom

Since childhood she was told that “M” was next to her mother in her life. But reality was something else. M wasn’t next to her mother. M wasn’t even in the list of people she would call even if she was in the gravest of danger. She despised her. M instigated her mother against her. M was the reason she could never be the friend to her mom that she always wanted to be. Quite early in life, rather as a kid itself, she realised what M was up to. But till date she hasn’t been able to figure out the reason why. She wanted to tell everybody about what M was doing. But she was just a kid and so no one believed her. Distanced from the one person she loved the most in the world, she lived on. She used to yearn for her mom to love the way she wanted her to, but M was there, constantly, by her mother’s side.

It has been years since then. Lot of things have changed now. The broken bridges have been built again. Her mom loves her, in exactly the same way she wants her to. They are friends now. Mother and daughter. But the bitterness of 18 years towards M still remains. M hasn’t stopped. M is still the same. probably more vicious. This bitterness bothers her. At times. It has soured her feelings towards M. She is not able to forgive M. Though for the sake of the clan she masks her bitterness and turns it into cordiality. Would she ever be able to forgive M?

On the flipside, but for the viciousness of M, she wouldn’t have realised how much she loves her mother. But then again there is this fact that if she would have stuck to what M did to her long time back, these words wouldn’t have seen the light of the day.

Is there way to forgive someone for all the bad that they have done to you, and continue to do so? Ok I agree that the actions aren’t there anymore but what about thoughts? How can you stop thinking that the person doesn’t think bad about you anymore? How to not judge their actions in the darkness of the past? How to see good in them? How to not doubt them? How to let go off the bitterness?

It isn’t easy. Not at all. There is this bitterness, that continuously throbbing gashes of hatred that keep spewing blood. How to heal them?

Letting go is easy but Forgiveness isn’t.

Facing the Demons

As you would have seen I am posting lot of random shit over here. No story, no poetry and definitely no creative stuff. Excuse me if I am being a disappointment, but I really can’t help it. I myself have no idea, what is my aim by putting all this random stuff here. But then as I had stated earlier this is my realm and only my rules work here. So I don’t think so that I am going to get into any kind of trouble for doing this. 
Also, I have taken off my blog link from my twitter profile, and I am not even posting my blog links over there. It’s kind of good like that, you know. Just a way of restoring the anonymity. Also, this would ensure that only those who care enough to remember my blog link and to read my posts would visit here and read all of this. 
Anyways… 
I guess enough of an explanation has been solicited so let’s just stop it here itself.
Today I reached home. Earlier in the week we were informed that our semester exams have been postponed. So after much thinking, mulling and discussion with my family and friend, I finally booked my tickets on Sunday and here I am. 
I am not a person who frequently visits home. I strongly believe in contingencies and prefer to stay in my KB until and unless there are strong reasons for me to visit home. Not that I don’t like being at home. In fact, these days I’m left homesick quite often. Its just that I don’t believe in unnecessary spending on just making trips to home, although at times I wish I would not care enough of that factor and just follow my whim. 
Ok, I deviated. Yes, here I am at home. Quite relaxed and relieved. But the day wasn’t so. I was quite excited to be coming home. But just half an hour before I was to board the flight, I received a message from one of my college mates informing me that there was some confusion going on with respect to the exam dates and that it might start within the week. 
That was it! All excitement went poof! Frustration and tension took over. And because of that I was almost on the verge of tears. Dad also advised that I should stay back. But till then the announcement for departure was already done. So, somehow containing myself, I boarded the flight. It was an almost 3 hour flight and that too via Hyderabad. 
All the way from KB to Hyd I sulked over the mix up of the dates. I cursed the management people, punched them on their noses and nuts, inside my head and wore a grumpy expression and tried to sleep through it. But after the stoppage at Hyd, rationality returned and I realized that, there is really no point sulking, feeling tensed or being irritated. It isn’t that things are completely out of my hand. They are pretty much within my control. And, thence after realizing this, I tried to set my mood right and quite succeeded in that.
This was one of those situations where I got the chance to correct myself. I am a person with the problem of hypertension (I think so. Not clinically diagnosed.) I get tensed and hyper at small disruptions in routine. But then I realize that it isn’t a very good trait. Therefore,I try to correct myself at every possible chance that I get.
I don’t know why I wrote about this. Or maybe I do. This was a learning experience for me. And therefore I wanted it to put it here. Not because I want to tell the world how righteous I am. But just because I want to etch this episode in my memory, so that in case I face a similar situation in the future, I act in a better way.
I am happy that I am at home. Much relieved too. And I am glad for what happened today because I am sure today’s experience would help me become a better person, for others’ sake and moreover for my sake.

Songs of my own

Often it has happened that I have tried to favourite the songs which are favourites of others. Today I cleared my playlist from many such songs. I realise that this is one of the few things that I can rule and therefore from this day on no adopting others’ favourites.

Everyone must be engaging into this no. Trying to like the favourite songs of your crush or the band that the popular group in school/college likes. But do those actually turn into your favourites? In my case it never happened. I may like the songs initially but slowly I would start skipping them n after a point would start getting irritated by them. But then there are such people also who want you to like and listen to the songs they like. They kind of push those upon you hammering you with the demand to listen and to like them.

I did that too. Not the forcing bit, but tried to impress people by attempting to like their favourite songs. But nor those people were permanent in life, neither was my liking towards those songs. Therefore,I have decided that no more of force liking any song. Now it will be just me and my songs. And songs which are destined to be my favourite will somehow find their way to me or may be I will stumble on them somewhere.

It is so necessary to have your own set of songs. In today’s world those are one of the few things which you can carry anywhere with you. They wont ever leave you alone. A set of such songs which you can listen to any number of times. Such songs of which you never get bored. Something that would remain constant in this ever changing world. Something to call your very own. Something that will always remain with you. You wont need to give any justification for liking them. You wont even need to share them. There wont be any jealousy. There wont be anything negative at all.

Just you and a list of “your songs”. Happily ever after.

Random Rambles II

Sometimes in life, one feels lonely for no apparent reason. Friends are all away, break up from a relationship, staying away from family, no work and probably that is the time when even your strengths seem to be leaving you. You are like this sinking ship, just getting pulled down into the trenches of the deep ocean and you can do nothing other than watching all the passengers leave you. They jump off or some other boat comes and rescues them. But no one attempts to save the sinking ship, that is you.

No I don’t feel like the sinking ship. Not right now. Yes there was a time when I felt so. But that was in the past. I do visit those dark chambers at times. And all I feel at that time is this feeling of utter relief. I can see how strong I could be to save the sinking ship on my own.

But today is a different story altogether. 

I tried to record the above post today. With Kathryn Calder’s So Easily as a background score. My recorded voice sucks. It has no power. I guess that is why most people who talk to me over the phone for the first time say that I sound like a kid. Oh God… I so hate it. I wanted to sound substantial. Like the voice in my head. Or like my original voice even. I gave unnecessary pauses, stresses and squeaky expressions. I was obviously conscious. 

Conscious of what, I really have no clue.

I was supposed to write a letter to my future husband today. But then laziness and migraine prevailed. Am I already losing out on this project? Am I letting my laziness take control of me.

I am clearly homesick. I am missing my mom the most. It feels as if its been ages since I spoke to her. Even though we talk daily but somehow its just not enough.

My posts may seem loose ended. I have not yet gained any clear vision of what to write. Most of it is my stream of consciousness, something that I learnt in my workshop. They say it helps you get out of your block.

I have a test tomorrow. I am surprised to see that I am really not bothered about it. I am not tensed about it. That is a good thing. I guess this is just enough for today. Tomorrow lets see how does this test thing goes. Also,I will try and write that letter.

Goodnight. 

Random Rambles I

Today when I look back at the 2 months gone by, I see days when the seas seem stormy. The boat rocked enough to imbalance me. A cloud, dark one, came over. Initially,it seemed like a rainbow. Mirage, it was. How blind it made me. Blind and all that I never wanted to be. It almost made a puppet out of me. But I am glad, wisdom prevailed in time and I could fight it off.

But this battle didn’t leave me unbattered. I was inflicted. I was poisoned. And its my opinion that it will take time for me to get that poison out of my system in its entirety. I also feel that this block is also one of its misgivings.
Time and again I have fallen like this, and it always has been difficult for me to get up and get going again. It happens like this when your trust gets broken in such vicious manner. It shocks me, to see so much of viciousness and so much dubiousness. It affected me gravely. And somewhere it changed me in a very great way. By great I mean the propensity of it and not the quality. I can feel that change so clearly, and it is not easy for me to come to terms with it. Strange it is. 

I watched The Lunchbox today. I am glad that Indian audience for a change is liking such off beat movie. It was beautiful. All throughout I was busy admiring the intricate details that the makers have put into it. It was almost like a poetry in motion. Or rather a very beautiful and mesmerising short story. Limited characters and pure content.
I
t was one of those movies which would lull you into a calm peaceful dreamless sleep. I say so not because I find it boring, but because it is comforting and calming and pacifying. One of those movies, which leaves you with a single sigh, a sigh of comfort, not a heavy or burdened one but just a normal one. Like taking a break from the continuous desk work and just laying your head back, just to relieve the tension in your craned neck. It was like that for me. It left me with a silence which I didn’t want to be shattered. But then social niceties demand me to do so.

Speaking of silences, there is this thought which has quite often knocked the doors of my mind. I don’t know whether I can call myself or not but being a writer I often retract to the pursuit of silence. It happens quite a lot with me especially when various thoughts keep jostling inside of my head. I have seen people around me getting irritated because of my silent reveries. At such times it becomes difficult for me to explain them why this happens. It happened today too and I found myself really helpless and at loss at that time. I know I am a weird creature. But try as I may I am not able to change few of my characteristics. I don’t think I ever will be. On a second thought, why should I? Aren’t those making me the person that I am today? 

Longing

There is a desire

that resides in my eyes
to see you smile
with those stars in them.

There is a need
that flickers my fingers
to carve you through
words never read before.

A want to embrace
the wind that caresses
the lines of fate
in your palm
to write that destiny
with mine.

But i know you are
nothing but a mere dream,
a rainbow touching
the horizon that never meets.

An illusion of this mind
A mirage of this deserted life.
Solace of just my dreams.
Ripples on the water,
touched and yet untouched.

On Poets and Poetry – A Dedication

You dont write poetry
You weave them… 
and then, I wonder, 
you have a wand 
hidden somewhere “neath” 
which you bring out
and swish o’er the words
turning them into
a spectacle so rare,
You paint,
a picture so powerful,
but with strokes
Oh! so gentle,
a myriad of colors
plunging your brushes
in words so pure 
and bare…
I stand there revered,
hallowed, exalted…
gratified by this chance,
to set my eyes on,
and read 
the words that you
carve out of your heart.

Dare

Let me just live this once.
This dejection,
this rejection.
Let this seep into my core
bury deep and further below. 
So that when it rears 
its head next and roars,
I look in its eyes
and just smile. 

Ten-Sen10s

“Happy Anniversary Darling!” his eyes filled themselves with her, as she stood under the shade of the giant oak on that sunny afternoon, in her favourite sky blue chiffon dress. Her dark brown was hair pulled back in a loose bun, and the breeze seemed to be merrily playing with those few wayward curls that were tickling her cheeks causing that slight smile and the faint blush that ensured that she looked perfect even without the make-up. Those rays of the sun that managed to cascade on her face through the chance gaps between the thick branches and leaves of the oak, turned her into a creature dropped straight from the heavens.

And he fell in love with this cherub once again.

But that wasn’t the story of just today. It has been the same story every single day since past 20 years. So what if the last 12 yrs were spent falling in love with this photograph of hers that now adorned his bedside table. 

The love was still afresh, just the way she was in the photograph. The same which was taken by him on their first anniversary.

She was gone. But she still remained, with him. 


PS: I know this is lacking something. I am not able to place my finger on exactly what it is. Anyways, this is a futile attempt to get back to my elements. 

Anonymity

The anonymity that was given up so gallantly is being craved for again. 
Once again there is a desire to vanish away. 
To run back to that crossroad where a life was ended and a new one was started, and to just stand there moving neither forward nor back. 
To return to a place where no one knew me and I knew no one. 
Back where there is no fear of attachments and no requirement for detachments. Countable people, limited words and fistful relations. 
No love, no romance, no tears, just vanilla plain acknowledgements for those who co-exist. 
And a stone in place of a heart that moved in its own rhythm, palpitating, breathing, bleeding. 
Just pure ambition survived, unscathed of the worldly ties. 
A face in the crowd, focussed vision, in the sea of oblivion. 
Free of the fear of losing. No homesickness, no guilt, no expectation from anyone, none carried. Free, independent, anonymous.