Ask… and so shall you receive

“What does your heart want?”

“My Heart…?!”

“Why do you seem so surprised at the question?”

“Oh! its a question no one has ever asked before.”

“But you have. Haven’t you?”

“Yes, I have indeed… many times.”

“So do you have the answer?”

“I think I have.”

“Are you not sure whether you have or not?”

“Why are you firing me with so many questions today.”

“I am just trying to figure you out.”

“Is it necessary?”

“Yes, I want to make you happy. And at times you confuse me that whether what I am doing is right or not. Would you help me here?”

“Heart is a very capricious being my dear. What it wants and what it doesn’t changes every minute and every second. It’s almost become like that spoilt child, who inspite of being refused a million times, comes up with a new desire everytime. It doesn’t even cares whether the previous wish is fulfilled or not. Just goes on and on with the list of what it wants.”

“Hmmm… what does it wants right now?”

“Oh right now… ha ha… right now it fancies to be in a place where there is tranquility and silence. The mind has almost resigned handing this job to the heart. Very clever, I must say.”

“But I don’t see much chaos around here. Its pretty silent”

“Chaos is inside me. I agree there is silence around, but the tranquility is missing. There is a need for that. Where words and thoughts don’t crowd my head. Where no eyes look at me with a look that I have left something undone that needs to be finished. Where I can just listen to the breeze and nothing that blocks my sight, no concrete. Just a vast expanse of open tranquility and nothing else. There is a need to run away to some place like this.”

“Why run away! Let me take you there.”

“The running away is just a metaphor my dear. It means for sometime I just want to become invisible. Ha ha ha… look at that now. Invisible, its impossible, the heart knows that and yet it desires it.”

“It is not exactly impossible. All you want is to people to not notice you.”

“Oh no no… it craves the attention. Very much of it. Strange as it may sound but it does. But the finicky that it is, it wants it from few selected people and and in a very selective fashion. Nothing else would do. It does not care about the people who are giving it that attention. Because those are not the people from whom it wants that.”
“Funny ain’t it ? How it is running behind people who are not interested and ignoring those who are.”

“Well… you yourself said that, heart is a capricious little spoilt brat”

“Is that with everyone?”

“I think it is, no one is much different. It is like this with most of the normal human beings. Only the ones with the most exalted minds and knowledge are able to tame it, rest are being enslaved by their hearts like this. Some may, though claim that they are in control, but more often than not, you would find them running hither tither for being rescued from the infliction that this spoiled brat causes on them.”

(Smiles) “People are running around in circles, just like the vicious circle of life.”

“Yeah, you can call it that.”

“At times I wonder, is there anyone out there, trying, making efforts to make me happy, the way I am trying to make people happy. Somebody actually specifically striving to do that ? Someone actually trying to find out what I like or what I want to do?”

“There are, my dear. You yourself said that we tend to ignore the people who are trying to gain our attention.  Those are the people. Then you have your Ma and Papa. They are doing their possible best to do everything possible that will make you happy.”

“I don’t deny that. They are the foremost in my life. I am living just for them.”
“You know at times, I wish, that someone writes for me. Some story, some words… something… even small but just filled with love and care.”

“Hmmm… You can do it for yourself.”

“You know it won’t be the same.”

“Yes… but you should realise that not everyone can do that. Each has their own ways.”

“Its just a desire dear… I do not say that someone has to do it.”

“Aah… ok… Another innocent whim of that spoiled capricious brat”

(Laughs) “Yeah!”

“Its good to see you laugh.”

“All credit to you.”

“Is it… what did I do?”

“Thank you for talking to me. I feel much better now”

“You should thank yourself, I am nothing but your mere reflection. I am You. The same spoiled capricious heart of yours.”

This was simply lying in the drafts…

One of those days when life has been to its unproductive best. Everything and everyone seems to be making me irksome. Day started by compulsively waking up even when I didn’t want to. I wanted to wake up by the middle of the day. But duty calls… more than duty unreasonable guilty calls. I wonder why I feel so guilty about not contributing to household chores. Not that I don’t do it at all. In fact I fairly share the work load but still that guilt is always there like a nasty bone stuck in the throat.

The continuous droning of television seems to be irritating me more. I know I am mindlessly ranting here. But seriously I just want to get it out of my system and believe me the keys of my laptop are facing the torture more than the people reading it. Well penning this down as reassured me that I have not lost my typing speed. even though I am not working on a physical system much these days. He he he…. Main bhi kahaan se kahaan pohoch gai. Ye lo… ab toh hindi mein blog rahi hu. Woh bhi casual hindi mein. But its ok na… Kyunki idhar ke rules toh maine hi banaye hain. And mere lie yahaan pe koi bhi rules nahi hai. Yeah I can see some of my readers raising their eyebrows at the non sense that I am putting here.

This is not a funny post…
This is not a serious post…
This is not a Happy post…
This is not a Grey post…
This is not imagination…
This is not creativity…

Abbey toh ye hai kya….?? Mujhe bhi nahi malum ye kya hai. Mujhse mat puchna ye kya hai. Mera dimaag aaj kachre se overload ho gaya hai islie mebbe aaj I am trying to unload some of it here. But now that I have written so much of non sense I am having second thoughts as to whether I will be clicking that publish button or no. Ky ye drafts mein bhi save karne layak hai ??

I was completely clueless when I started writing this. I thought mebbe I’ll give a description of the day that just went by but unfortunately it took some unwanted useless turn only. I think I am not going to publish it. let it stay in the drafts itself.

Conversation with the Moon

He peeped at me 
from behind those 

velvety dark silhouettes*.

I caught his gaze unaware.
He glowed with all
his angelic resplendency*
and I blushed with 
a fervor of felicity*.

“Its been so long,
since I caught you last”
I asked him with an 
avidity* fragile,
He laughed and
sprinkled his 
sparkling mirth* on me,
and replied frolicking*
in his own serenity.

“I craved for your
sight Oh! my dear,
Never did I leave 
your side, no I didn’t.
You were entangled
in the web of corporeal*,
your soul oft left in disdain*.”

“I looked upon you
every night darling,
like an oblivious fantasm*
attended to your dreams.
Tonight, I cometh out
of my pericarp*, 
as you call,
to alleviate* you 
from your throes*.”

And so it said, 
and smiled on me,
entwining me in
its exalted* warmth.
I closed my eyes 
and there lay rested
plunging into 
the oblivion of sleep,
with him singing to me,
a lullaby of heaven, peace
and placid* reverie*.


On the brink of crackin’!

Need some pot to smoke,
or a crack!
Yeah! Gonna be a crackpot
Got the emergency number
stored on d speed dial.
Gotta detonate the bomb
and press the button!
And i’ll then run away
I’m gonna Jump off from d roof
yeah that is how I’ve orchestrated the end.

PS: Wrote in 2009

तुम्हारे दिल तक पहुंचे, मिलता नहीं कोई ऐसा रास्ता,
अब तो लगता है इस शहर से भी छूट चूका है वास्ता,
हर कदम पे अपने साए के साथ तुम्हारी परछाई ढूंढते हैं ,
कुछ अजनबी गलियों में तुम्हारी यादों को ढूंढते हैं,
पैरों के नीचे चरमराते सूखे पत्तो पर से  रहे हैं गुज़र,
एक बियाबान खँडहर सा लगता है अब ये शहर,
एक प्यास अनबुझी सी रह गई है इस रूह की,
अब तो उसको बुझाने की कोशिश भी बंद कर दी,
बस अपने ही जलाए एक आग में जल रहे हैं,
हर सांस के अंजाम  के इंतज़ार में पल रहे हैं I

A little bit…

Need a little strength
to get through this night,

Need a little sleep 
to blanket my eye sight.

Need a little peace
inside this bustling head,

Need a consoling hug
for these tears that are shed.

Need a little calm
for this anxious heart,

Need a time turner
to skip to the new start.

Need a little hope
to rid myself of fear,
Need a little empathy
from them, to lend me an ear.

Need a little intrepidity
to face what is real,
Need a little chance
to word what I feel.

Need a little assuage
that it would be fine,
Need a little courage
to achieve what is mine.

That li’l girl…

I am on vacation… most of you reading this would be aware of that. March was an action filled month, even though nothing was visible on the blog front. Exams… yeah ! I feel that one word would suffice for all the action that I want to describe. Well… its almost after a month that I have picked up my quill to wake up this space again from its slumber. It’s 1st April today and most of you might be thinking as to whether I am trying to pull a prank on you people. But there’s nothing like that. 

Today, as is usual with most of my days at home, mum woke me up. I was dreaming something about a physics question appearing in an economics paper and me being not able to do it. But mum woke me up midway and I decided to sleep a bit more to finish that dream. Hilarious as it may seem, but in that dream examination also I wanted to finish my paper. But as we all are aware, that never happens. So I finally woke up and groggily went and stood beside mum in the kitchen trying to gauge as to what she was making.

After a while I decided to check my phone and reply to all the good morning messages that were awaiting me. While scrolling through my twitter time line. I came across the link to this blog. It caught my attention and got me thinking. Throughout the course of the day lot many thoughts popped up in my head. I wanted to write this that time itself  but then I decided to let the thoughts marinate and let my observations go broader.

When I started this, I spoke about my unfinished dream. I realised that while we live there are so many incomplete dreams and desires that we all nest in our hearts. When I see my mum I really wonder about her unfinished dreams and desires. I have often asked her and she always smiles and ends up replying that, “you and your brother, my dear, are my dream come true.”

I saw my mum all throughout the day. We shared few laughs, she got a bit emotional over me leaving, we talked about her childhood too. And what I observed amazed me. I could see flicker of a little girl in her actions. I don’t know whether I was deliberately trying to look for them or it just happened. I see a lot of girls/women day in and day out. I subconsciously do observe them. And today I just wanted to speak about them. 

I don’t know much about boys. and neither am I here to argue as to who has a better life. Being a girl, I feel I can understand girls and their sensibilities and mentalities in a better way. Neither do I know whether I am correct in my observations and deductions or not. But here is what I feel…

In India girls grow up too soon. Even the law has stated that the idle age for girls to get married is 18 while for boys it’s 21. I really don’t know what is the logic behind that. But all I can conclude from that is in our society girl’s are expected to grow sooner than boys. Somehow I feel that the child hood of the girls is being subdued. And that is probably there in most cases. She is expected to learn to take care of herself, present herself, take care of her house, learn all the household chores, learn cooking while the boys of the house while away time either watching cricket on the TV or outside playing/loafing with friends. 

This leads to the girl growing up sooner than boys. They have to think in a mature manner, they have to be mature. Anything otherwise is probably not accepted from a girl’s front. Now the times are changing, but it is not false that many times they have to even sacrifice their dreams and wishes… probably at times even strangle their childhood. But I feel that child never dies. That little girl inside that woman never dies. Though she is too afraid to rear its head because of the standards of the society but that little girl resides somewhere inside that woman and probably at times peeps through her spontaneous actions. 

Men say women are difficult to understand. I would not deny that fact. There are many facets to the image of a woman. She has so many things inside her which she keeps subdued just because all that are concerned against the society norms. A newly married girl – she cannot think about asking her in-laws to attend her best friend’s wedding because her mum already instructed her that now she has to live according to her in-laws. This is one of the many examples that I could think of. 

Life of a girl changes in moments. She is expected to grow from a girl into a woman in moments, no shelf time given. This is not just at the time of her marriage. This happens many time all along her life. She is expected to play a better role every time. And they want her to give the best performance. No body really asks her if she is ready. It is something that is supposed to come naturally to a woman. And even if they do ask, often it is mere formality. That little girl inside her keeps mum. She becomes dormant.

I know times are changing and things are different now…
I know many people would come up and argue that there is nothing much different with boys… I am not a feminist that I would not accept all of that. I am just an observer who by chance happens to be a girl, who is not ready to grow up so soon. 

I just want that at times we should probably try and look out for the flickers of the image of that little girl in the women around us. At times we should just give that little girl some leverage to may be come out for a while and just let her do what she craves to and just let her enjoy. At times just may be indulge that little girl. I bet you, if you do that, you would probably turn her into a more doting mother/wife. Just give that little girl some space and see her bloom and grow in a better way.

PS: The thoughts are very raw and stray. Please excuse me if they seem disoriented.