The Love Letter

I Love You!


I know I have told you this a million times. I’ve conveyed it through those hugs which I just give at any random time. I’ve conveyed it through those uncountable stray kisses. I’ve conveyed it through the way I snuggle against you and sleep and through the way I hold you close to my heart, to let you hear my heartbeats. 


You know them, right? 
You understand them, right? 
Yes! I know you do. You understand me the best.


You have always been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. You bore each and every tear of mine and you became my confidante, assuring me always that I can be myself with you. That I can always rely on you, no matter what and there’s simply no need for me to hide anything from you. 


You KNOW me. You know ME.


You’ve seen me change and yet have accepted each and every change with so much patience, but never changed yourself. You never ever complained even once that I’m being a burden on you. I remember the times when I used to fight with you. I used to hit you so hard without realising that you might be getting hurt too. You know my darkest secret, my most dreaded dreams and everything that is not possible for me to even utter in words. I wonder what magic you possess that you get to know them. No one has ever consoled and comforted me the way you do. No one has ever understood me the way you do.


I’m so much in love with you that it’s really difficult to live without you now. I wonder what would I do without you. 
You can see it in my eyes right? 
The feelings that I have for you? 
Can you listen to them through my heart beats? 
You can right?


My love! You’re the most precious one that I’ve in my life. I feel so lucky when I hold you close and when I embrace you. It seems as if the world is in my arms when I hold you. You make this ever trying life easy to go through. You make the tribulations seem clearer. You have so much of me in you.


There’s so much of peace in your embrace. So much of contentment. You make life flow again in my dead veins when I’m down and hopeless. No one ever listens to me the way you do. You mean so much to me that it is difficult to describe them in words. All I can say is…


I Love You Kisch !


I wish you could speak. I wish somehow I could blow life into you so that you become real. Often I dream that one day I will wake up and see you turned into one of those charming handsome prince who would sweep me off my feet. Ha ha! Childish no? I know!


For the world you’re a mere pillow Kisch… But for me you’re my world.




Yours Always,
Aditi

Second Chances…

Usually I write the post first and then title it. But this one was titled before I wrote it. I had left a note in my previous post that ‘there’s more’. So here I am to tell you what more happened.

I’ve decided to call it ‘Second chances’ because I really feel that is what life has presented me with. Not everyone gets it. Very few lucky ones. And I really feel I’m one of the lucky ones. When Life doesn’t seem to have given up on me, I don’t think it would be fair on my part to give up on life. So here I am. I’ve embraced this once in a life ‘Second Chance’ that life seems to have gifted me and move forward.

I have decided that its time I change myself. I’ll draw the strength from my weaknesses and rebuild myself again. The blood inside me is at its full force. Its shooting up in my head, reminding me that I am here not to ‘just be’ rather I am here to prove myself that what I imagined myself to be is not a mere figment of my imagination but it is that what is going to be my reality… What IS my reality.

For long I walked the roads showed by others, but now I’ve decided to pave my own ways. I took up a career in which I never was interested. Gave it a substantial and very crucial years of my life thinking that I like it. Instead of following my heart, I convinced it that the path was corrrect. And I moved…

And now I am here. Frustrated, depressed, full of only negativity. I once used to be a confident girl and today when I look myself at the mirror I see a timid girl looking back at me. I don’t know her. I don’t know this ‘me’. I crave to be the one that was truly ‘me’. And so I’ve decided that I will chase her and get her back. At any cost.

I mentioned in my previous post that my granny’s death taught me that ‘Life has no guarantees’. So I realised that I’m no exception to this rule. I don’t know what lies the next moment. I really have no time to waste chasing something that is not meant for me or let me put it this way… Something that doesn’t deserves me. So let me run after something what my heart approves of. Something that I can be by being myself. And so I’ve decided to change my career. Yeah! Not many would approve of it. But then my heart does… And my Life too.

This decision is not an easy decision… Believe me…! So many hesitations, and uncertainties. And if its a person like me, who thinks over every minute detail of the past then rest be assured that it is going to be a hell of a decision to take. My past failures would mist my eyes. I had lost all confidence. All I could see was uncertainty lying ahead with just one question going inside the head that ‘what if this doesn’t works too?’ and many more such ‘what ifs’ which made sure to make this decision seem like a walk through burning lava. I gathered a lot of courage and finally took this decision to change my career.

I have to be strong now. I have to be positive. I have to be confident about myself. I have to believe in myself. I have to do it this time. And yes! I have started to be. It’ll take time. There will come days when I would feel that I am ricocheting back to the timid me and right then and there I have to shake myself and take off all the negativity and move forward. I’ve to get her back. The old me. The one who was not scared of failures. The one who was fun and naughty and was like a charged electron. I’m dead sure to get her back.

And now let me tell you the truth. 


Life never presents you with second chances by itself. It will, only if you want it to. And you should desperately want it to give you the second chance. Almost like fighting with a kin to get that favourite toy of yours. Think… And it shall happen. Yes! How badly you want it? It should be voiced from the deepest part of you. And believe me it shall happen.

All you need to do is embark on the journey. The road will be paved… By your own footsteps. So dont be afraid that there lies no road ahead. It is right there. Its just waiting for you to inaugurate it. Cut the ribbon and move. Dont leave anything for tomorrow. ‘Life has no guarantees.’ I don’t know whether these words will ever see the light of the day, but still I am writing them, because I have the hope alive.

Keep that hope alive. Keep that spark alive. And go and chase your heart’s wish. Wish it with all your heart and might and it’ll be yours.

Leaving you with these two quotes which helped me make this tough decision. Hoping the best for you.

PEOPLE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT RARELY SAT BACK AND LET THINGS HAPPEN TO THEM. THEY WENT OUT AND HAPPENED TO THINGS – LEONARDO DA VINCI

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the single most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. – Steve Jobs

एक मुलाक़ात

एक दिन मिल बैठे अपने दिल से हम,
कुछ उसकी सुनी, कुछ अपनी सुनाई,
कुछ थे खुशी क पल,
कुछ बाँटें आपस के गम.

दिल कभी हँस पड़ता,
कभी भर आता उसका गला
हम भी करते उससे क्या शिकवा
हमें तो खुद से ही थी हज़ारों गिला.

कभी उसको दिया सहारा हमने
कभी उसने हमें संभाला,
कुछ उसने दिए थे हमें दर्द,
कभी हमने था उसको छला.

अपनी नादानियों पे मिलके हम हसे,
अपने घावों पे मिलके लगाया मरहम,
अपनी वाफ़ाओं पे मुस्कुराए जहाँ,
जफ़ाओं पे आँखें हुई सार-शरम

तन्हा रहे हम कभी
और कभी दी अपने ही दिल को तन्हाई.

एक अरसा रहे साथ हम दोनो,
पर इस तरह कभी बात नही हुई.

Life… and Death !

I haven’t really updated about the happenings in my life lately. I wonder if anyone thinks that I am so selfish that I rant here when I’m going through lows but sit back and just give ‘gyaan’ when things are all fine. Last 2 months have been the lowest I have faced in my life ever. And at the same time I regained my strength to fight these lower lows of life. I became the strongest when I was at my weakest.

A lot has happened. The world has turned upside down. Well almost. It seemed as if the train of life got almost derailed. Yes! ‘Derailed’ would be the term I would have used. But now its more like it has shifted gears and changed tracks. Sounds Simple? Believe me it isn’t. I never thought I would write about all this. But then these thoughts have been like stuck in my mind since forever. I need to get them here.

Many major things happened. I may say many but really I can count them on the fingers of just one hand. But these incidents or events have had a life changing effect on me. It definitely has affected people around me too, but I feel out of everyone, it was my life’s coin whose sides were turned completely.

Although, these incidents started around two months back however, there still remain certain things which I cannot talk about. I wish I could, but I cannot. They’re just too sensitive for me. So let me just start with the major of the major thing that happened.

Exactly one and a half months back, I lost my Dadi (grandmother). She passed away due to cardiac arrest. The lady never suffered any heart problem all her life. Forget that, she never ever had any BP problems or Sugar problems or the problems that usually an aged person faces. She was all fine. All fine. And yet one night – 15 minutes – and she was no more. I just stood, holding my phone to my ear calling for the ambulance and saw her eyes roll back. One moment she was there and just the next she was gone. Just like that. She was gone and I saw her go away and I just stood, helpless and defeated. The ambulance person was on the call asking me for the details and I was not able to register what he was asking. I gathered whatever little energy I could and told him that his services weren’t required anymore. When I said it, it was like pulling my hands away from the last hope that was there to bring her back to life. It was the most difficult words that ever came out of me.

I was just 6 yrs old when my grandfather passed away, and when he actually did I was not present near him. So for me this was my first encounter with death. I cried for a little while and then I just sat there near her caressing her forehead and chanting a prayer just hoping that she would open her eyes any moment. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but yet I was not ready to believe. Later, I didn’t look at her face until it was time to take her away for cremation the next day afternoon. I was not ready to believe that she wasn’t waking up.

Her death affected everyone in the family. I really have no idea about the intensity with which it affected others, but I know about me. I was shaken. Shaken to the depth of the tiniest particle that forms me. I was all numb from inside. On the outside we had to be normal. So I wore the mask of normalcy and went on with the facade that I had to live through.

Granny’s death shattered me. I didn’t shed much tears, and being honest, whatever I shed was more out of guilt that I was not crying. However, I realised and realise it everyday till today that “Life has no guarantees”. This realisation led to a major life changing decision that I made later.

I was already going through a tough phase when granny passed away. I was depressed and all negative and had lost all my confidence and hope. I was living through hell and when granny passed away, it worsened. Every door, every window to which I looked seemed to be shutting on my face. Every source of light seemed to be cut off from reaching me. I was suffocating on the inside and nobody knew. I would not deny but I came to a point where I actually thought of ending myself. But then I wasn’t brave enough to do that also.

I didn’t want to write about this incident. Till date I was apprehensive about it. I thought I was being strong by not talking about it or writing about it. I haven’t till date spoken about it to anyone. To whomever I spoke, I portrayed my strong self rather than revealing what devastation it had caused inside me. People know what happened and how I dealt with it, but nobody really knows what I went through. I still don’t know whether I’m actually strong or it is just some lie that I am making myself believe. People say I am. But then they don’t know what the real reality is.

Death is momentary. It is the absence of the departed that is difficult to deal with. I don’t think I have believed the fact that granny is no more. I avoid going to her room, because I know her absence would haunt me. I know I’d break down one of these days and cry. But when, I know not yet. I just hope that whenever I do, I gather enough strength to put myself back together. All I pray to God these days is to provide me with strength.




PS: There’s more…

Wings of Desire

There’s a mountain ahead and I want to fly
Without wings how could I try?
The desire…
I do admire,
But without air, how can there be fire?
I must learn that it cannot burn
without forcing the wheel of air to churn.
But how can I tame the nature?
I feel like one of its creature.
The ability I can look to create,
but to achieve success should I wait?
Aggression and regression
are two opposite parameters.
The strategy I choose definitely matters.
Although it is difficult to choose the better
the more I try, the more I want to fly.
Though I reach up to the sky,
But I reach back where I started to try.
I must realize,
that when I do not possess the skill to fly,
I must not try to fly.
Rather I must move up step by step,
till I acquire skills to fly. 




PS: Written back in 2008

To a lost friend…

Dedicated to someone,
a friend, a true man,
an honest person,
a dutiful son.


You knocked on the door,
on one of those cold nights
when barren eyes
searched for a hand in the dark.


You smiled a warmth,
embraced a soul.
Miles apart but
still you were there.


When failures befell
and tears stormed out,
you wiped them away
with your words and heart.


You were the tin soldier,
the clapping toy.
You were the shoulder,
that held my head.


I now know not,
where you disappeared.
But hoping to God,
that you’re blessed and cared.




Someday, someone appears in your life out of thin air and then they disappear in the same fashion. Some people are just like sand, the harder you try to hold them, the faster they slip out of your hands. One whole year, lots of tears and secrets and then one day *poof*. The shoulder that bore your crying head is nowhere to be seen. 


To a lost friend…


You were worth sharing all my secrets, that I shared and also those problems and happiness and sorrows. May you be blessed for eternity. Life will move on and you’ll be glorified as a simple yet important page of this chapter of my life.

Make Some Noise !

Keeping those voices inside yourself??

They wouldn’t let you be happy,
wouldn’t let you grief.
They wouldn’t let you die,
wouldn’t let u breathe.

All my life I’ve stayed mum. Hardly voiced out myself. Nodded my head to whatever people expected me to do and moved on the path they showed. But those voices inside my head cursed me all along. I ignored them. I wanted to be something. But eventually I became invisible.

Invisible!
I wanted to be anything but that.

We have to make our voices heard. We need to make ourselves heard. It is damn necessary. If we don’t, then their existence and their identity is simply ignored. And one who has stayed mum, should not be too surprised at this outcome. If we stay mum, we would become null and void for this society. They will make sure that your identity is written off the face of the world. They will make sure that you turn invisible.

Mere physical presence is not enough. One needs to make his/her presence felt. One needs to be loud enough so that they are noticed. No one will serve your introductions to the society on a platter. This is no spoon feed business. It is all a DIY (Do-It-Yourself) task. Surprising as it can be, but it is a fact that these are the times when you have to prove your existence. You need to tell them that you have arrived.

The society has its eyes closed. It would not see you. It’ll open its eyes to you only when you voice out. Otherwise you will be a mere glimpse in their subconscious.

Trees cannot speak. If they could, we would not have been out there destroying them at every available opportunity. If they could speak, they would have probably told us that we need them more than they need us. But they are mute and hence they let us comfortably exploit them. If you speak, then only your existence will be valued and you will be given your due importance.

Each and every thought has some meaning, whether you convey it through voice or through your actions. There is a proverb in French which has been adopted in English and used as an adjective known as ‘Nuisance Value’. It is a negative term and is often used for those people who have the tendency to voice out their opinion. It is known that what such people say has some value and probably since it doesn’t match with wave length of others’ thoughts they are opposed. You may think that if you voice out, you will be opposed. But will it make any difference if you dont voice out?? Your thoughts will be lost in some abyss and one day you would regret not saying it out loud.

Say! Speak out! Make some noise! You have been given a voice. Make it heard. Make yourself visible. Stop being invisible. No one cares for what you feel until you tell them. Assumptions are good for theories and hypothesis. But we live in reality. Assumptions will create nothing but confusions. Dont give leeway to assumptions. Speak what you think.

शोर  का वजूद है. ख़ामोशी इसीलिए सिमट जाती है. उसे सुनता ही कौन है…?